Bambie

Tag: grief

  • grieving thoughts

    Bambie

    Forever a teenage girl

    One day, we will all transform…

    Today I went for a walk as the weather finally let up. The sun was out and accompanied by a nice breeze. I got dressed, putting something on that would make me feel pretty and curled my lashes before packing a bag. The contents of my bag included:

    • A pen
    • A pencil
    • Chapstick
    • A claw clip
    • My sketchbook
    • My current read (The Priory of the Orange Tree)
    • My journal
    • My keys

    Once all that was ready, I locked the door and started walking. I wasn’t sure where I was going at first, I simply knew I needed to leave the house. The past couple of days have been extremely challenging, as I’ve been dealing with exam season and the loss of my cat. It feels like my entire world has been crashing down all at the same time. It’s really annoying to think that the typical advice of “taking a walk” could actually help when you know the only thing that could really fix anything is impossible. I can’t bring my cat back, and I can’t change the timing of exam season. So, I went for a walk. As annoying as it is, walking around in my university city, exploring areas I haven’t had the chance to visit yet, and finding a tree to sit under in a park lifted my mood. It helped that on my journey I found three boxes of books on the side of the road. I went through them all and put a couple in my bag to take home. But there I was, under a tree at the base of a field with the sun slowly setting, watching families play catch and kids run around the playground. I got to see all these people experiencing joy together and making memories they won’t forget. I realized that life is cruel for bringing us such joy like this to only give us grief. I realized that the price of life is death, and that being human means being forced to feel that burden, carrying it with us emotionally. I realized that in the end, energy doesn’t die but instead, it transforms. One day, we will all transform into something new, and nothing will really have mattered.

    I don’t know yet if this provided me with any comfort or if it has made me more upset. I think it’s a mix of both. A frustration with the design of life and the human mind. I wrote about this in my journal under that tree, but I felt like sharing it here; this time there is no tree and field, but the ceiling and walls of my room. I don’t know if that makes a difference, probably not, but worth mentioning. Long story short, I’m going to try and go on more walks. They help me think and clear my mind. And sometimes you get free books and get to pet a friendly cat.

  • Bender

    Bambie

    Forever a teenage girl

    what to do when you miss someone?

    I often struggle with this a lot, missing people or things that I don’t have in my life anymore, whether this be because of a falling out, the passage of time, or death. I can think about our memories and look at old photographs, but that never satisfies me. Sometimes, if it’s an option, I think about reaching out, saying hi and asking how they’ve been, but I rarely do because I know that’s not wise and that we don’t talk anymore for a reason. I think what bugs me about this the most is that I don’t have any control over it. What I mean is, it’s hard to accept that something is over, that someone is gone and never coming back. I get nostalgic, and I want to live in the good moments forever, but because this is real life, those moments always pass, and times always get hard. It’s too bad that good things always come to an end.

    I’ve been trying to work on this more lately, trying to wrap my head around the fact that change is ok and people don’t need to be permanent in our lives for what you experienced with them to mean anything. Of course, though, it is much easier said than done, and although I know the reality of it all, dealing with the feelings is hard.

    This wasn’t a post I was planning on making, but a very important someone in my life isn’t too well, and we will most likely be saying goodbye to him. My cat of 11 years is sick, and he just might be the only living creature to know everything about me. It’s silly telling your cat all about your life and drama, but he was always there for me when I needed him. I barely remember my life without him. And although this post is not only about pet loss, but the loss of any kind of relationship, this is going to be one of the hardest things I go through. I’m just not sure what to do. I know that I will never not miss him, never not wish he was still here with me; what I don’t know is how I will continue without him. There is no doubt I will lose a part of myself with him, but I also know he will be ok wherever he goes and that having him in my life will have been beyond worth any pain I feel for the rest of my life without him.

    I do hope no one else is in the process of losing their childhood pet and best friend, but if you are, you are not alone, and things will get better. Celebrate the time you had with one another, and together, we can figure it all out.

    20241228_190925691147578470181855

    My beautiful baby boy, Bender. I love you with all my heart ❤