Bambie

Forever a teenage girl

One day, we will all transform…

Today I went for a walk as the weather finally let up. The sun was out and accompanied by a nice breeze. I got dressed, putting something on that would make me feel pretty and curled my lashes before packing a bag. The contents of my bag included:

• A pen
• A pencil
• Chapstick
• A claw clip
• My sketchbook
• My current read (The Priory of the Orange Tree)
• My journal
• My keys

Once all that was ready, I locked the door and started walking. I wasn’t sure where I was going at first, I simply knew I needed to leave the house. The past couple of days have been extremely challenging, as I’ve been dealing with exam season and the loss of my cat. It feels like my entire world has been crashing down all at the same time. It’s really annoying to think that the typical advice of “taking a walk” could actually help when you know the only thing that could really fix anything is impossible. I can’t bring my cat back, and I can’t change the timing of exam season. So, I went for a walk. As annoying as it is, walking around in my university city, exploring areas I haven’t had the chance to visit yet, and finding a tree to sit under in a park lifted my mood. It helped that on my journey I found three boxes of books on the side of the road. I went through them all and put a couple in my bag to take home. But there I was, under a tree at the base of a field with the sun slowly setting, watching families play catch and kids run around the playground. I got to see all these people experiencing joy together and making memories they won’t forget. I realized that life is cruel for bringing us such joy like this to only give us grief. I realized that the price of life is death, and that being human means being forced to feel that burden, carrying it with us emotionally. I realized that in the end, energy doesn’t die but instead, it transforms. One day, we will all transform into something new, and nothing will really have mattered.

I don’t know yet if this provided me with any comfort or if it has made me more upset. I think it’s a mix of both. A frustration with the design of life and the human mind. I wrote about this in my journal under that tree, but I felt like sharing it here; this time there is no tree and field, but the ceiling and walls of my room. I don’t know if that makes a difference, probably not, but worth mentioning. Long story short, I’m going to try and go on more walks. They help me think and clear my mind. And sometimes you get free books and get to pet a friendly cat.