I am glad to see 2025 go; it was a hard year for me. I lost a lot of what I gained in the year before. It was a year of loss and redirection for me. Being truthful, I hated it. I tried to romanticize it and tell myself that everything happens for a reason, but at the end of the day, I felt stuck in place. Stuck in a year that was seemingly playing with me just for the fun of it. It didn’t feel like I was in charge anymore; it felt like I had only signed up for a free trial of joy and control instead of purchasing the lifetime subscription. I wanted that happiness back; I crave it.
Going into the new year, I am holding on dearly to anything from 2025 that brought me any sense of joy. This blog, for example, was something I started that I’m choosing to bring with me. My daily journaling will follow me, as well as some good people. A hard part about this new year is knowing some people and pets won’t be joining me. Loss is loss, regardless of how it happens, growing apart, fights, death, 2026 won’t see everyone that 2025 did, and sometimes that is hard.
For the most part, I am still the same person; nothing about my core self has changed, but I am more resilient now, kinder to strangers, and smarter. All the pain and knowledge and lessons learnt last year will follow me now and have changed how I live my day-to-day, creating a different version of me that can face new challenges for this new year. I only hope I like this year more, that it treats me kindly and brings good things my way. If it doesn’t, I will persevere like I’ve been doing and try to find my own joy in small things that I can create for myself.
Today is my last day being nineteen. I knew this day would eventually come, but it always felt so far away. Of course, it used to really be a far-away thing, until it wasn’t. I swear, just yesterday it was my thirteenth birthday, and I was entering a new, dramatic, and fulfilling stage of my life. How can it have gone by so quickly? Being a teenage girl is such a beautiful and terrorizing thing to live through. There is truly nothing else in the world like it; no one understands the mind of a teenage girl better than another teenage girl. It’s a community filled with love and drama that means nothing and everything, unanimously. My point is, it’s an important part of my life that is officially coming to a close. I’m not sure at all how to part with it, I guess that’s why I started this blog in the first place. The tagline “Forever a teenage girl ” I mean, c’mon, I know it’s cringy, but I relate to it so much!
The teenage version of myself is always going to exist in me one way or another, and I have grown to love her very much. Mind you, she has not always been the easiest person to deal with. My teenage self is full of love, regardless of living through hardship. She’s dramatic and funny and romanticizes every aspect of her life to make things more tolerable. The height of emotions you feel as a teen girl and the endless pit of songs, films, and books written about your existence is wonderful and something I am going to dearly miss. This is not to say that I am not excited for this new chapter of my life; in fact, I am very excited for my twenties and look forward to seeing what they entail for me. But I do think I will always look back on these years fondly, on this version of myself that was growing and changing every day. I will continue to carry her with me everywhere I go, and I will continue to feed into her spark.
How do you know when something is for the better? In my experience, whenever someone tells me it’s “for the better,” it’s because my heart is breaking and my mind can’t comprehend what is happening. It’s a pitiful way for a friend to try and help you deal with your feelings. But when you have that dull aching pain in your chest, and the feeling of a fist in your throat, for the better sounds like a bunch of bullshit. How could a bodily reaction that feels so guttural be the response to something happening “for the better”? It doesn’t make any sense, and I don’t find it fair. To be honest, I find most things in life to be unfair, but this one in particular seems to be very cruel.
Why does reaching a better place mean going through something so painful that it feels like your world is ending? (I have always been a sensitive girl and someone who feels very deeply, so forgive me if the way I’m talking seems exaggerated or too much, it is unfortunately how I feel.) How could the end of something you loved so deeply mean that something better was on the way? It feels like a trick from everyone around you, making you feel angry that they could insinuate what you had was no good. Of course, in most cases, there was some semblance of negativity involved, which led to the end or at least played a role in it someway or another. Denial and anger are the first stages of grief after all. It makes sense, I guess, to not want to believe the worst of what you had and think only about the positives and good times. This in turn, makes it extremely difficult to think something better is on the way or that you’re better off with nothing at all, a fate that haunts me every night.
Trust is such an interesting thing, I think most people assume that it’s simple. Two people trust each other because they have no reason not to trust one another, or a patient trusts their doctor because they know they’re a qualified physician. I guess it could be this simple in theory, for some, I am sure it is. However, I find trust to be very complex and deeply annoying.
Trusting someone or something is holding a firm belief. It’s not pondering the what-ifs of a situation; it’s fully and wholeheartedly believing in the integrity of another. I wish this weren’t as difficult as it is. I mean, I always give strangers the benefit of the doubt, and I don’t typically tend to believe everyone is a liar unless it’s proven they are, so why do I struggle with trust so much? Maybe it’s because I’m vulnerable right now, almost 20 years old, living away from home and figuring out who I am. Perhaps I have been fooled by too many people, and I’m trying to sniff out a pattern that doesn’t even exist. Like most people, I don’t want to get hurt, but I do want connection. From what I’ve learnt in my life so far, finding a connection with someone without any semblance of hurt is impossible. This could be a pessimistic view on things, but it’s a truth I’ve come to out of experience.
This is in no way me saying connections aren’t worth it. In fact, I think that any friendship or romantic relationship you can find that will bring you joy must be worth it, one way or another. I’ve recently found myself really resonating with the whole “it’s the journey that matters not the destination” bullshit. It sounds corny, but after reflecting on it, I do feel better about my past relationships. Knowing that our memories and inside jokes can still bring me joy, even if they are no longer in my present life. Even when things end roughly, and you spend countless nights crying because you feel betrayed or a sense of grief over someone you never thought you were gonna lose, you can be happy that it happened. Happy that there once existed a version of you, filled with joy, spending time with someone who made you smile and worry a little less.
That was a lot of rambling from me to try and explain that although recently I’ve found trust to be a complicated topic, I don’t ever want to let it ruin what could possibly become something. My problem with trust is that I either trust someone blindly or can’t trust them at all. I’m struggling to pick which one is worse. On one hand, you’re allowing yourself a world of hurt. Trusting the wrong person has consequences, and most of the time, these consequences linger like the chorus of a random radio song in your head. Blind trust is also often accompanied by forgiveness to those who don’t deserve it. This can get dangerous because you fall into this cycle of trust/betrayal/forgiveness.
But not trusting anyone at all? All that has ever done for anybody is keep them alone. It doesn’t matter how hard you want it or how many times you tell yourself your fears are irrational; the inability to trust someone destroys the connection you have with them. It eats away at it until there’s nothing left but your self-pity. One serves as a form of protection from another, and vice versa. It’s a useless conversation between those who want to be seen and loved, and the overwhelming fear of being hurt and abandoned.
I hope to one day understand the perfect balance between these two. Trusting someone because you can, because trust is a two-way street and not something to fear or face by yourself. Trust is beautiful because it’s vulnerable, the same reason it’s so difficult to get right. Vulnerability is raw; it opens your heart and pours it out to another person without knowing whether they will catch it. It’s complicated and beautiful and worth it. It’s worth it even when you can’t fully understand it.
Today I went for a walk as the weather finally let up. The sun was out and accompanied by a nice breeze. I got dressed, putting something on that would make me feel pretty and curled my lashes before packing a bag. The contents of my bag included:
A pen
A pencil
Chapstick
A claw clip
My sketchbook
My current read (The Priory of the Orange Tree)
My journal
My keys
Once all that was ready, I locked the door and started walking. I wasn’t sure where I was going at first, I simply knew I needed to leave the house. The past couple of days have been extremely challenging, as I’ve been dealing with exam season and the loss of my cat. It feels like my entire world has been crashing down all at the same time. It’s really annoying to think that the typical advice of “taking a walk” could actually help when you know the only thing that could really fix anything is impossible. I can’t bring my cat back, and I can’t change the timing of exam season. So, I went for a walk. As annoying as it is, walking around in my university city, exploring areas I haven’t had the chance to visit yet, and finding a tree to sit under in a park lifted my mood. It helped that on my journey I found three boxes of books on the side of the road. I went through them all and put a couple in my bag to take home. But there I was, under a tree at the base of a field with the sun slowly setting, watching families play catch and kids run around the playground. I got to see all these people experiencing joy together and making memories they won’t forget. I realized that life is cruel for bringing us such joy like this to only give us grief. I realized that the price of life is death, and that being human means being forced to feel that burden, carrying it with us emotionally. I realized that in the end, energy doesn’t die but instead, it transforms. One day, we will all transform into something new, and nothing will really have mattered.
I don’t know yet if this provided me with any comfort or if it has made me more upset. I think it’s a mix of both. A frustration with the design of life and the human mind. I wrote about this in my journal under that tree, but I felt like sharing it here; this time there is no tree and field, but the ceiling and walls of my room. I don’t know if that makes a difference, probably not, but worth mentioning. Long story short, I’m going to try and go on more walks. They help me think and clear my mind. And sometimes you get free books and get to pet a friendly cat.
I often struggle with this a lot, missing people or things that I don’t have in my life anymore, whether this be because of a falling out, the passage of time, or death. I can think about our memories and look at old photographs, but that never satisfies me. Sometimes, if it’s an option, I think about reaching out, saying hi and asking how they’ve been, but I rarely do because I know that’s not wise and that we don’t talk anymore for a reason. I think what bugs me about this the most is that I don’t have any control over it. What I mean is, it’s hard to accept that something is over, that someone is gone and never coming back. I get nostalgic, and I want to live in the good moments forever, but because this is real life, those moments always pass, and times always get hard. It’s too bad that good things always come to an end.
I’ve been trying to work on this more lately, trying to wrap my head around the fact that change is ok and people don’t need to be permanent in our lives for what you experienced with them to mean anything. Of course, though, it is much easier said than done, and although I know the reality of it all, dealing with the feelings is hard.
This wasn’t a post I was planning on making, but a very important someone in my life isn’t too well, and we will most likely be saying goodbye to him. My cat of 11 years is sick, and he just might be the only living creature to know everything about me. It’s silly telling your cat all about your life and drama, but he was always there for me when I needed him. I barely remember my life without him. And although this post is not only about pet loss, but the loss of any kind of relationship, this is going to be one of the hardest things I go through. I’m just not sure what to do. I know that I will never not miss him, never not wish he was still here with me; what I don’t know is how I will continue without him. There is no doubt I will lose a part of myself with him, but I also know he will be ok wherever he goes and that having him in my life will have been beyond worth any pain I feel for the rest of my life without him.
I do hope no one else is in the process of losing their childhood pet and best friend, but if you are, you are not alone, and things will get better. Celebrate the time you had with one another, and together, we can figure it all out.
My beautiful baby boy, Bender. I love you with all my heart ❤
I absolutely love to read; finding my love for reading was pivotal in keeping my imagination alive and my brain active. I always feel jealous of the people who read all the classics in middle school, like the Percy Jackson and Hunger Games series, because I never did. My love for reading came a little later on around the 11th grade. I remember it was July 2021 and I woke up one day with the urge to start reading (much like my urge to start a blog!!). My mom brought me to the store and I left Indigo with 3 books in my hands.
The Song of Achilles
Red, White, and Royal Blue
One Last Stop
I started with The Song of Achilles, which, looking back, was not the easiest read for me at the time, but omg did I ever fall in love. Fun fact about me, I am an easy crier so it shouldn’t surprise anyone who knows about the book when I say those last pages still have tear stains on them!
“I am made of memories.” – Achilles, The Song of Achilles
That quote had my younger self distraught; it made me realize how beautiful writing can be and how much it can make you feel. For that reason alone it will always be one of my favourites.
I give this book
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Rating: 5 out of 5.
The next book that I consider one of my favourites is The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I first read this book in the 12th grade. I chose it for an independent book study immediately after we finished reading The Catcher in the Rye (which, unpopular opinion, I really enjoyed). This book had so many direct comparisons to Catcher that I annotated everything that reminded me of Holden Caulfield. To tell you the truth, (get it! haha) Perks really helped me get through my last year of high school. I was not the happiest person at the time, and all I wanted was to get away. There was something about Charlie’s sadness and the excitement and bittersweet feeling Sam expressed about going away for college that allowed me to push through and not feel so alone. This is just the kind of book that will always be special to me no matter how much time passes. I love Charlie and I relate to him so much, it was beyond comforting to read his letters knowing that he made it, that he got better.
“You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love” – Sam, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
If I could give this book an infinite amount of stars I would, and yes, pun intended.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Rating: 5 out of 5.
Next up on the list is My Policeman. This book was incredibly beautiful! Now, I did read it because Harry Styles got cast for the film, yes, but trust me, that is not why it’s one of my favs. It’s a beautiful story about love and wasted time, something that I never get tired of reading about. I love a good tragedy and a good cry. I do have a huge personal feud with Marion; she was insufferable to me while reading the book. I know a lot of people reason with her or feel bad for her character, but I really don’t! A lot of people might disagree with me on that, but oh well. What I loved most about this novel was the different senses of betrayal each character felt throughout. I thought it was very well done, and I think of this book quite often.
“You touched me first.” – Patrick, My Policeman
My policeman gets
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Rating: 5 out of 5.
Up next is The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo. I remember reading this book and being so invested in every page. I never got bored once, and loved the characters so much. But boy, did this book make me cry! The twist really got me, as I hadn’t seen it coming at all. I was reading it beside my mom, and suddenly I was crying right next to her, she was very confused haha. And when I say I was crying, I mean full-on sobbing!
This was maybe the 4th book I had read after deciding to take up reading as a hobby, and I also chose this book for an independent book study in English class. I was afraid that this would make me enjoy the book less, associating it with school, but I was pleasantly surprised when that didn’t happen. In fact, this book is just filled with such beautiful writing and memorable quotes. I remember actively being in awe of every single page of the writing in this novel.
“If you are intolerable, let me be the one to tolerate you.” – Evelyn Hugo, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo
I give this book
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Rating: 5 out of 5.
My final book, or I guess in this case books, for my current favourites list is the A Series of Unfortunate Events series. I fell in love with the show when I was around 14, and it just became such a comforting piece of media to me. I had wanted to read the books FOREVER, but just never got around to it. But, because of my amazing mother, I now have the entire series. Even though they are kids’ books and very easy reads, I find them so entertaining and complex. The show also does a phenomenal job at staying accurate to the books, truly an amazing adaptation. This series just offers a sort of comfort that nothing else has been able to provide. The weird part is that I’m now older than the Baudelaire children. This thought actually freaks me out because when I was first introduced to them me Violet and I were the same age. Sometimes I wish I could stay the same age forever, like characters do on TV.
“If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” – Lemony Snicket, A Series of Unfortunate Events
I give this child approved series
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Rating: 5 out of 5.
I hope you enjoyed reading about my favourite books! All of the books mentioned here are special to me in one way or another, and if you haven’t read them, I would highly recommend doing so. If you have read any of them, let me know what you think or tell me about your favourites!!
This is so exciting!!! If I’m being honest, this blog is not very thought-out at all. In fact, I came up with the idea last night at like 5am (my sleep schedule is not my issue). I’m thinking the best way to start off my blog would be with a get-to-know-me type post, so here goes nothing!
Here I am!!! This was me a couple of nights ago before going out for a friend’s birthday.
Peep the room in the back:) I’d totally love to give a room tour one day, I think that could be really fun. My room is literally my sanctuary, I am constantly adding to my walls and buying new posters. Something about me is that I LOVE maximalism and I high key just want to live in a trinket shop lol.
Here is a quick way to get to know some of the most basic things about me.
I am 19 years old.
I use she/they pronouns (Though I do not mind she/her being exclusively used.
I’m 5″5
I am a Leo rising, Libra moon, and Sagittarius rising.
My favourite colours are green, brown, purple, and red (Clearly I have issues picking just one).
I’m going into my third year of university for Sexuality, Gender, and Social Change
I am bilingual (French and English)
Things I love:
Reading
Music
Stuffed animals
Tattoos
Journaling
Spring
Cats
Stars
Drawing
Pandas
Things I hate:
Pelicans
Math
Spiders
Conservatives
Thunderstorms
Rap music (Not Hamilton though)
Mushrooms
That sums up all the basic information I could think of off the top of my head. I’d love to answer any questions and hear from people with similar interest.
Writing this page has been super fun, and I look forward to the future of this blog with such excitement:)) I don’t really have expectations for where this is going to go, as it is currently just a new hobby I am adding to my list. But nonetheless, I cannot wait to make more posts like this!
Bambie 